The holiday season is always tough for me because I've long been the only adult at the party without a significant other and I am past the age in which I am being judged for being single. My parents are the only ones who are aware of the full extent of my medical issues. Even my sister didn't know how bad it was until very recently and I'm not even sure she believes it. Most of my aunts and cousins have no idea that I am sick and neither do my coworkers.
I feel compelled to post on this subject after a few prominent conservative commentators were critical of women who are single and childless by choice. I agree with over 90 percent of their commentaries but in this case, I found it somewhat offensive. The woman in the video was only 29 years old. That's hardly ancient and she could certainly change her mind in 5 years and still be young and healthy enough to have a child. For the record, yes I am a strong believer in the nuclear family as the building block for a successful society but not everyone is cut out for marriage and parenthood. If for whatever reason, they don't feel led to go down that path, they must not be shamed or pressured into it.
I can think of at least 4 good reasons to remain single and/or childless. All of these are true for me at least to a certain extent:
#1 You feel that you would be a burden because of chronic medical issues. Also, you may be suffering from neuro imbalances such as autism or ADHD. Insulting terms such as "incel" should NEVER be used to describe autistic adults. That REALLY bothers me!
For a man over 40 with chronic medical issues, I'm not half bad looking. While I certainly won't bring home a supermodel, I am confident that I would not have any trouble getting a date if I put myself out there. Sure, I wish things were different but I am a realist. When you have to take an exact cocktail of pills every day while shooting at a moving target and frequently crash out in bed after work or on the weekends, you're not going to be very appealing. In my experience, men tend to be more accepting than women of a chronic illness. Until I get this under control, I will not pursue a relationship though I must admit that the thought of dying young without anybody caring about me is a real prospect and it frightens me. I don't think my standards are too high. An average looking woman with good character and compatibility? Sure, I'd be open to it if healthy.
#2- Fear of divorce and/or a string of bad relationships.
It's not much of a secret that divorce laws are stacked against men and 70 percent are initiated by women. I won't go into great detail but my limited experiences with women have not been very good. I've heard stories from others as well as personal observations that have convinced me that unless it is truly a match made in heaven, marriage is not all that it is cracked up to be. Suppose that I have a relapse on the medical front and/or a stressful day at work then come home to a wife who is overly critical and argumentative. Then on top of that, I have a kid who is misbehaving and/or got in trouble at school. That would royally SUCK!
A common issue in the running community is objection to group runs with members of the opposite sex. I can see having a problem with a regular one on one workout partner but certainly not a weekly social run in a large group. Often, you can forget about opposite sex friendships even when it is clear that there is no chance of romantic interest. A young man was in town on business and asked a much older female friend to lunch. The age difference was 20 years but no, the husband objected.
#3- You value independence and the freedom to do what you want and go where you want.
The woman in the video gloated about being able to go out to concert, stay out late and sleep in the next morning without having to pay for a baby sitter. While that's not the type of woman that would appeal to me at this point in my life, she made a lot of valid points about the advantages of being single with no kids. The criticism of her was both mean-spirited and unwarranted especially when she is still under 30 years old.
Again, I wish my situation was different but I have made the best of it. Though the last few years were ugly, I completed my goal of finishing a half marathon in all 50 states. I did this by age 42 and if not for COVID, I could have done it just after turning 40. There is NO WAY that I could have done it at such a young age with a family. I have visited all 50 states plus DC and Puerto Rico plus 9 Canadian provinces, 5 Mexican states and 8 countries. If I make it to Alaska as planned next year, I will have been to all 50 at least twice. If you read my blog with any regularity, you know that my trips are AWESOME and I'm glad that I am able to do it.
A former co-worker from Montgomery had a wife who would not allow him to run the famous Azalea Trail race in Mobile because it was too far (less than 3 hours). Never mind that there is plenty to do in and around Mobile besides the race and New Orleans is just 2 hours further. He referred to his wife as "the ball and chain." I can check the surf forecast on the weekend and if I see good conditions with a low chance of rain, I will go if I want to. I'm not tied down at home because my son has a soccer game or my wife doesn't want to go. Just recently, I took a trip to Daytona Beach for Columbus Day and a trip to the north Georgia mountains for Veteran's Day with an overnight stop in Atlanta. If you value independence, it does NOT mean that you are selfish. Some of the most kind and generous people that I know are single by choice. On the other hand, I know some married people who don't much care about anyone outside of their inner circle and really look down on singles. Being married does NOT necessarily make you a better person especially if it is not a great match. The more time people spend together, the more alike they become.
#4- Genetic disease and the direction of the country
I know that there is a genetic basis to my illness and it would absolutely break my heart to see my own child suffer from the same illness knowing that it was my genes that caused it. If you are a carrier of a known genetic disease, that is certainly a good reason not to have kids and to embrace the DINK lifestyle. I see where the USA is headed and while I will probably be retired before it completely goes to hell, my child would live through it. Will the USA even exist as a 50 state constitutional republic in 50 years? I don't know.
