Thursday, November 2, 2017

Thoughts on MGTOW and Dating

MGTOW is an acronym which stands for Men Going Their Own Way.  It is primarily an online community composed of straight men who choose not to marry and in some cases, exit the dating scene altogether arguing that a relationship with a woman is likely to be a negative experience.  The group does raise important points in which I find some agreement.  First, the wage gap shrinks to 5% or less when the occupation, experience and hours worked are factored into the equation.  Second, there are several aspects of American society in which women actually have the upper hand over men.  This is most notably true in the criminal justice system, workplace safety and divorce settlements.  I feel strongly that the alimony and child support system is in need of reform to dis-incentivize divorce.  Still, with that being said, I must reject the MGTOW movement as a whole.  Some of the content is blatantly sexist and I suppose you could say that it is the male equivalent of radical feminism.  A relationship with a woman can be a TREMENDOUS positive but you've got to be choosy about your life partner and much heartache can be avoided by following some guidelines and screening.

I might be accused of sexism for this post but it is not my intention.  My defense is that the red flags that I have listed can apply to both men and women.  If a woman makes a post about poor qualities among men that ought to be deal breakers in a relationship, it does not make her a man-hater.  The purpose of this post is to provide advice to BOTH men and women in hopes that it will prevent a few people from getting in/staying in a bad relationship or from marrying someone who is not a good match.  Here it comes.

I hate divorce especially when children are involved.  I’ve seen the negative effects it has on other families and in a perfect world in which I was 10 years younger and never got sick, I would only consider women who have not been married before.  The reality is that I am 37 years old and don’t think I could date anyone under 30 at this point in my life.  Finding a woman in Alabama that is over 30 and never married will be a VERY tall order.  Another factor is the knowledge of genetic defects that could be passed on to my children.  Seeing my own child face the same health problems knowing that my genetics caused it would be too much for my heart to bear.  Instead, I will be a darn good mentor and stepfather to a school aged child.

MGTOW is correct that there are reasons to have some reservations about getting married.  Half of marriages fail and the success rate for a 2nd marriage is in the 30-35% range.  I will have to beat the odds in order to be successful but I still intend to give it a shot.  70% of divorces are initiated by women yet child custody and alimony usually favor the mother.  I’m not making judgments here.  That is a fact and many men will balk at marriage for that reason.  I do recognize that there are some situations in which divorce is an acceptable or even necessary decision.  Among the valid reasons are abuse, abandonment, adultery and other compulsive behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse or a gambling addiction.  I have no specific data but everything I have read about reasons for a divorce suggests that the “hard cases” listed above are in the minority.  I heard of cases in which the wife admitted that the husband did nothing seriously wrong but that she was simply “not happy” and grew tired of her man.  It happened to one of the guys in my Bible study.  Of course, I am just as upset when a man does the same thing for no good reason.  I have a pair of cousins who suffered greatly after their father left his wife for another woman. 

Recent divorce:
Before I get serious with any divorced woman, I will need to know what happened, specifically who initiated the divorce, for what reason and when it occurred.  If it was within 2-3 years, I’d give it the green light if a). Wife got dumped for an invalid reason, and b). Husband got dumped for a valid reason.  The other 2 cases are red flags.  If the divorce occurred more than 3 years ago, it becomes a yellow flag.  Proceed with caution.  Some people change and if they repent, a 2nd chance can be given but not without a significant waiting period.  A 3rd chance?  Unless there was radical change in the meantime, 2 previous divorces would be a deal breaker.

There was one particularly disturbing case on my news feed about a year ago.  A FB friend who claimed to be Christian announced herself as Divorced.  The appropriate response would be “Sorry it happened.  I’m here for you if you want to talk.”  Nope.  Her post got over 200 likes and over 80% of the comments were congratulatory and “You will be so much happier.”  I withheld judgment because I didn’t know what happened but 3 months later, she was married to another man and moved across the country.  It’s pretty obvious that the divorce was obtained for the purpose of marrying another man.  That’s the same as adultery for both parties and Jesus said it Himself.  In the unlikely event that there is a married woman who wants to divorce her husband to marry me, it’s not a red flag, it’s a BLACK FLAG.  I’d respond by cutting off the friendship altogether.

Pre-marital sex:
I am saving myself for marriage.  Finding a divorced woman who will agree to that will be a VERY tall order and probably impossible if she is not a Christian but I MUST NOT give in on that issue.  I’ve heard the sermons on the subject but there are plenty of secular reasons for it as well.  Besides the obvious risks of STDs and unplanned pregnancies, it releases hormones connected with attachment that are just not healthy outside of marriage.  I know several people who stay in bad relationships because they don’t want to give up sex and it makes a break up so much harder than it has to be.  Moreover, research has shown that the more sexual partners you have prior to marriage, the more likely you are to end up divorced.  Don’t do it.  As for children out of wedlock, one youthful indiscretion is a yellow flag but multiple children with more than one man in which there was no marriage is a red flag.

Unrealistic Expectations:
I’m not perfect but neither are you.  Nobody is.  Yes, it will take effort on both side to make it work but I know of one guy who repeatedly bends over backwards for his girlfriend but it’s never enough to keep her happy over the long haul.  Yes, I’ll buy her gifts and take her out to a nice restaurant on occasion but that stuff should NOT be necessary to keep her happy.  Instead, I want a woman who can be happy just by being around me.  Let’s suppose I’m sitting on the couch with the woman I love.  Her arm is around my shoulder and we share smiles and pleasant conversation throughout the evening.  That’s more than enough to make me happy even if I’m watching a chick flick or a TV show that I don’t really care about.   If you can’t make your significant other consistently happy in dating, you would be strongly advised not to marry them unless you want to be dumped for no good reason.  One such case occurred because the husband committed the terrible sin of leaving dishes in the sink too often and I'm sure men have had reasons just as stupid. 

Trashing Their Ex:
If you consistently speak negatively about your ex, it is a sign of bitterness and is often a warning sign of verbal abuse down the road.  A former friend of mine made repeated posts about KILLING her ex and even provided details of her preferred method.  Granted he was a cheater so some anger is to be expected but that’s way over the top.  As I got to know her better, I found that she was sharply critical yet thin-skinned and overly emotional herself.  That’s a double whammy for me.  Joseph thought Mary had cheated and because he was a righteous man, he intended to divorce her quietly and avoid exposing her to public shame.  That’s what you’ve got to do.  Several people that have hurt me in the past have suffered misfortune shortly thereafter.  Don’t gloat over it and don’t be upset if they have success.

Overly Critical:
If I had a rough day, I want to come home to somebody who will speak words that are loving and comforting.  Of course, she has every right to expect the same from me.   Coming home to a person who is sarcastic and seems to find fault in everything I do or say would be sheer misery.  I’d probably have a tendency to withdraw but I want to encourage you NOT to tolerate verbal abuse.  Stand up for yourself.  This applies to both men and women.  I’m not suggesting getting into a shouting match.  The next morning, just calmly say that their words and tone of voice was inappropriate and hurtful last night.  If the situation were reversed and the same words and tone were used by me, it would never fly.    If they apologize and promise to do better, accept it and things will be okay.  If they become defensive, get out of the relationship before marriage is considered.  An apology means you value the relationship over your ego.  Seeing a person that you supposedly love walk around hurt knowing that it was you that caused it ought to cause heartache even if you think you were right.  If it doesn’t, you don’t have much of a heart.  Sad but true. 

Although she should be my number 1 fan, I don’t expect her to accept everything I do if I am clearly in the wrong.  If she gives me a list of things I need to improve upon, I will NOT be upset.  She should not be upset either if I do it.  I want her happy, which will in turn affect my happiness.  I would much rather her gently tell me that something is wrong early rather than see her keep the anger bottled up. Then I’d get blindsided by an angry attack or worse down the road.  Communication is key.  The earlier a conflict is addressed, the better the chance of it being resolved amicably.

Control Freak:
Disagreements will be inevitable.  Listen to and consider your significant other’s point of view.  Make the compromises when appropriate and/or do something special in return.  Build consensus, meet in the middle and ask for their input when making a decision.  If you find that your girlfriend/boyfriend MUST get their own way at all costs, it is sure to create resentment and weaken the bonds. Break up.  Again, communication is the key.  If my girlfriend has a cause and/or something that she really wants to do, I might try to talk her out of it if I have reservations but I will never tell her NO point blank.  It is perfectly reasonable to have the same expectations myself.

Conclusion:
It will take a special person to be compatible with me and it could take an act of God.  If after several years of dating, I decide it’s not going to happen, how will I react?  I won’t go as far as to say that I’ll be okay with it but it’s not the end of the world for me.  There are some advantages to being single and I don’t need a woman to make me happy.  As long as I am healthy, I can be content to be single.  If a woman adds to my happiness, then I’m all in.  I really don’t think my red flags are unreasonable either.  All I want is an equal partnership in which neither party feels dominated or unappreciated.

Timeframe:
I’m not in a rush.  I don’t want to treat a first date as a job interview to determine if she is wife material.  Instead, I’ll focus on enjoying her company and we’ll see how things proceed.  I figure within 3-4 dates, I’ll know if she is girlfriend material.  A long courtship is fine and preferable in your 20s.  In your 30s, I’d say 12-18 months is sufficient to make the decision to break up or get married and a 6 month engagement seems about right.  All the cards should be revealed by then.  If the decision is to break up, don’t look back.  If it’s to get married, you should have definitive plans and a date picked out within 2 years of the first date.  Don’t stay engaged indefinitely and don’t live together before marriage.  

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