Reflections

As my readers know, my anger about this whole situation reached a new level during the 4 week losing streak.  The crux of the matter is this:  When it comes to dealing with people, dishonesty is not something that I will tolerate.  Call me old fashioned but I still believe that your word is your bond.  If you make a promise to me or lead me to believe that you will act a certain way, I have been known to react harshly if you do not follow through especially if it becomes clear that you never intended to keep the promise.  This latest relapse to me was one of several times that I felt misled into believing that I had been healed.

After the Rumpshaker 5K last year, I had set PRs in 7 out of 8 races from Sept. 2011 to March 2012 and was only taking Paramin (Cal/Mag) for preventative maintenance.  In retrospect, I probably should have known that something was amiss because I was not actually freed from the Thym-Adren, I was forced off.  Even a single dose produced a negative reaction and I had similar experiences with other pills that I had taken in the past.  If I had sent in a medical report at that time, I'm sure that it would have been BAD but I would have had no idea what to do about it.  In reality, I did not want to know the truth because the idea that I had been healed supernaturally was just too good.

I actually "recovered" from adrenal fatigue at the end of 2008 when after 2.5 years of treatment, a medical report showed that I was producing enough adrenaline.  My doctor said that it is common for such patients to have their adrenals go into hyperdrive afterwards.  I suppose that makes sense.  I had been adrenaline deficient for at least the last 10 years, probably all my life.  My body had been compensating for that issue for so long and now I had to "teach" my adrenals to slow down instead.  Still, I never thought that it would take this long to get in balance and I may not be any closer now than I was back then.

Is there anything that I could have done differently?  Yes, cheating on my sugar restrictions held me back and I knew better too.  However, since the Fall of 2011, I've been much better in that area.  In fact, I went through a month period back in July of 2012 in which I drank nothing but water and only had Gatorade during long runs but my fructose intolerance got worse, not better.  The low point came in September when I could not even drink the Gatorade and my standard 7:30 pace became a walk/jog at the end of a 10 mile run. 

I fixed that problem thanks to Fructosin (xylose isomerase enzyme supplement) but still developed more problems with the Thym-Adren.  2 months later, I could only tolerate very little of it despite the fact that I was still WAY overactive.  Now what was the problem?  It turned out to be a Vitamin C deficiency.  Simple fix right?  Wrong!  Too much C depletes copper, which is commonly low in fast oxidizers.  The low point came when I could not even drink a small bottle of orange juice without a reaction.  Both are required for connective tissue healing and synthesis of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.  It doesn't take much knowledge of chemistry to know what happens when those are low. That explains the depression.  Symptoms can vary depending on which chemical is lowest but women tend to have crying spells when depressed while men get the angry outbursts.  I never flipped out on anyone but the anger was all internal and directed at God.

I went to see Kevin and Jenny (Bible study leaders) last night to talk about it and two points stuck out.  1.) I feel wronged by God and regardless of whether it is real or perceived, it feels the same and forgiveness is the only way out.
2.) I need to get to a point in which I will be okay with God even if I am never healed. 
Point #1 is absolutely right and I believe that I can do that and it will not be too difficult.
Point #2 is not so easy.  If not for this illness, my whole life almost certainly would have turned out differently but if I am healed, there is still a chance that it will work out for the best.  That said, I feel that the window of opportunity is closing.

Now about my fears about never being healed and the broken dreams.  As for the running, I was already denied the opportunity to compete in college.  That hurt but I reasoned that it probably would not matter in 10 years.  When I struggled in graduate school then crashed afterwards, my job opportunites were limited.  I don't hate my job and I'm in okay shape financially but it is well below what I had envisioned when I was a top student in undergrad.  Yes, the imbalances are holding me back at work and I will not advance much in my career while 23 year olds fresh out of undergrad are as far as I am.

 I do have a family that loves me and though I may not be Mr. Popularity, I do have several friends that would do anything for me.  I want to get married and have a family but I may never even have a girlfriend because there is too much potential for hurt on both sides.  It would take a very special person to put up with me when I am down and can understand why it happens.

The big dream is the book deal.  If you go to Cure Zone or other health forums, it will break your heart to read about what some people go through.  With my knowledge, I can help thousands of people but cannot expect them to listen if this is as good as it will get for me.  Lots of books on alternative medicine have been written but they are usually by doctors not patients who have gone through it and can truly understand what it's like to live with chemical imbalances and instability.  I'm not aware of any health book that integrates Scripture and interprets it in the depth that I have.  I believe that I have the talent to run a sub-5 Mile or a sub-3 marathon if I was healthy and trained specifically for the distance.  It's no secret in the running community that I am inconsistent and have disappeared from group runs for weeks but unless they read my blog regularly, they have no idea of the nature and severity of my condition.  I have no doubt that I will take my running to a new level if healthy and it will certainly generate more interest.  I vow that God, not I, will get the glory.  Why is it not happening?

Jenny took me on a mental journey in which I envisioned myself with Jesus throwing away (literally in a fire) all the negative thoughts about my future being unhealthy.  I could feel some of the weight lifting off me.  Deep down, I know that point #2 must be accepted but it is a very tough ask.  I believe that I will win the next 5 or 6 in a row and show at least some progress on the medical report but what happens around the early part of May is another issue.  If I lose another 3-4 in a row, I may be angry again.